"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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