she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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