chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
