Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
