you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
