her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
