If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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