I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
