If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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