I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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