I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
