He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
