soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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