I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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