I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
