Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
