you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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