cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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