Nicole vs. Life
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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