i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i think im in europe. pls send help
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
