There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
