i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
