i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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