i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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