I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
