I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
