I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
