i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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