I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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