I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up under a house in Key West
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