my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
