I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
