Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize