You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
