You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
