Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
