1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I want to be your penis for a week.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
