I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's shark week go big or go home
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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