Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Randomize
