someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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