porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
