What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
