There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
