Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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