Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
