I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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