He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize