I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
