The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
