i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
