Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
