I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My vagina is officially offended.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
