please come you make the beer taste better
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
