I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
