Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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