My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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