how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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