Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
