he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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