our cab driver is having phone sex.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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