my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
