i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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