Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
