I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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