the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
