Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
