I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
