I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
