I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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