Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
